And Then, Light
by KT the Shimmer Skank
Summary: One foot in shadow, one foot in the sun. Bella discovers the different shades of love.


**Author's Note:** Welcome to my least likely fic ever, in which I rewrite the ending of New Moon. I know it's been done before, but I like to believe I have some of my own insight worth articulating. I had to do it, for catharsis's sake, and these are the reasons why:

1) The feminist in me can't stand to have a heroine with so little dignity.

2) That Bella could be that naïve and self-deprecating when it came to Edward's feelings for her is absurd and incomprehensible to me.

3) That Edward so readily believed Bella was dead is similarly far-fetched, in my mind.

4) I'm sincerely unsettled by the way Meyer glorifies a really unhealthy kind of love.

5) If this were a real love story, in the real world, this is how it would have gone down. Because aside from those rare exceptions where your first boyfriend is in fact a vampire who wants to protect you from eternal damnation, he usually _doesn't_ love you, and he _isn't_ coming back. And it isn't the end of the world.

This is Bella/Jacob-y, but the more important aspect is Bella choosing to love _herself_, rather than just facing the ultimatum of which man will complete her more. Not necessarily anti-Edward, either; again, just trying to portray Bella with a little more dignity and self-worth.

**Rating:** T for a brief glimpse of sexuality.

**Setting: **I'm sure you know it well. In the car, Bella debates her feelings, just before Alice turns up. Several lines are borrowed directly from the text, and I'm sure it will make sense why.

- o – o – o -

And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.

"Be happy," he told me.

"Bells, you're shaking," whispered another voice. A closer voice. Close enough to feel. Jacob's hot breath danced delicately over my cheek, raced gently down my back. I hadn't actually noticed that I was trembling until he said it. I watched the brittle, salt-soaked strands of my hair shake against Jake's bare, cinnamon chest. He was right. I was shaking. My heart was pounding. Like I had locked it up, and it was trying to rip its way free.

"Is everything okay?" Jake prodded, concern glistening in his earthy eyes.

"Everything's fine," I said, even as a hot, shimmering tear streaked down my face. I was surprised by the unsteadiness of my voice. I was surprised I could even hear myself speak over my thundering heart.

I could _see_ the pain as it cracked the lines of his face. Wordlessly, he dragged his warm finger over my skin and wiped the tear away. He hated to see me hurt, and I hated seeing the hurt he reflected back at me. How long could this hurt last? How long could Jake stand to watch me suffer? How long would I wait, how long would I hurt him, clinging desperately to his radiance to keep the black hole of Edward's absence from crushing me? One foot in shadow, one foot in the sun. If I kissed Jacob, I knew I would be admitting to myself once and for all that I would never be able to kiss Edward again.

A shrill, staccato sob burst out of me at the thought. _Edward_ and _never_ were words I couldn't bear to string together in my mind.

If nothing else, my pain reminded me that Edward had been real, that he had been mine once. I would wallow for _eternity_ in that pain if it meant I could still love Edward. I wanted my darkness. I never wanted to step back into the sun.

"Bella!" Jake gasped, watching me cry with horrified eyes. His strong, enormous hands clutched my shoulders, holding together the broken pieces that had once been Bella. I reached out, cupping his dark face with my pale, fragile hands. I knew he was confused. I was sobbing hysterically as I looked into his eyes, my emotions torn in more directions than I thought possible.

If I gave in to Jacob, it meant I was finally giving up on Edward. The very idea set fire to my insides, pulled and clawed at the hole in my chest until even my fingertips ached from the unbearable emptiness. I felt Jacob's scorching fingers rake through my hair, soothing me as I cried, and I tried to push myself through the pain.

_Stop hurting him, Bella,_ I scolded myself. _Do what you have to do._

I clutched my fingers tighter around his face, practically digging into his skin. I knew it didn't hurt him. It probably felt good to him, even. I used that momentum, the idea that it would make him feel good, to keep going. I could never be happy, after all. I may as well let Jake have some happiness, for all he had given me.

With all the strength I could find, I pressed my trembling lips to his. Jacob's gasp of surprise and elation was audible. His eager hands pulled my small body into his, suffocating me in the heat of his skin. He was so excited to be kissing me he didn't even notice that I was still crying. That it was taking every ounce of my will power to force my wet lips against his. It reminded me of the time I'd had to lie to Charlie, to hurt him in the worst possible way, so that I could go into hiding without endangering him. It was that painful. My whole body shuddered, longing to cry out. This kiss was a lie. A betrayal to myself, to Jacob, to Edward…

I kept my eyes pinched shut. My heart was numb. My body felt stiff and cold as Jacob leaned back, pulling me on top of him with his firm embrace. He cupped his hand beneath my thigh, wrapping my right leg around him with ease. I could feel the fire in his hands even through my jeans as he gently squeezed my leg, trailing his hand slowly closer to the center of my body. Cautiously, as soft as a feather, he eased his fingers under my shirt, grazing the bare flesh of my stomach. His burning fingertips drew careful lines up my torso, over my ribs, sliding under my bra. The razor-fire of his fingernails traced circles over the sensitive flesh of my nipples, stirring a long-dormant excitement. The circles continued, my insides dancing. I clenched my teeth together. I hated that it felt good. That it felt _so_ good. My heart pulled in two directions. One foot still in shadow, one foot step further out into the sun.

His fingers stopped moving suddenly. In one swift, concentrated movement, he gave the tip of the nipple a sharp pinch.

"_Oh,_" I breathed. My lungs trembled. I felt fire in my blood, raging up and down my body, from my chest to my toes. Jacob's body bucked underneath me in excitement as my ecstatic moan danced into his ear.

The monster inside me, that had been buried for months in an abyss of despair, was unleashed. All those months that I had been tortured by _thoughts_, fighting the constant urge to think… all at once, that immeasurable burden disappeared. There was nothing to fight. There was no reason to think. The darkness dissipated in Jacob's arms, and all that filled me was bright, raw _passion._

Raging, long-suppressed craving took over. I pushed myself harder into our kiss, and Jacob felt it. He returned with unchained ecstasy, gripping and squeezing and clawing at my skin. I felt the beads of sweat sprinkle off of my forehead and onto his face as we kissed, our bodies tangling, our mouths and hands moving faster than rational thought could navigate.

I took a chance to open my eyes when he tore his mouth away from mine. He puckered his lips against the cradle of my neck and shoulder, gently grazing my skin with his teeth. I watched him, watched the burning desire that flushed his cheeks. Sort of beautiful.

His grip on my shoulders tightened, rough to the point of bruising. He stopped kissing me, and looked up, into my eyes. I watched him carefully, and I didn't like the expression that I saw.

"OH!" The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. "Holy _crap_!"

The glittering light of our passionate moment was fading. I felt my stomach churn. "What's wrong?"

"Vampire."

* * *

"He's going to Italy."

The moment was unbearable, my mind stretched to its limits as I tried to make sense of it all. I clutched Jacob's arm for strength, unconsciously leaning closer to his warmth.

"But he… he _left_!" My voice struggled to force out the words. "He didn't want me anymore! What difference does it make now? He knew I would die sometime!"

I was crying again without realizing it. Jake's hand found his way to my face instantly. Always wiping away my tears. But I couldn't look at him. The hole in my chest ripped open again, spilling all of me to the floor. It was like my heart stopped beating, like my blood stopped pumping. It couldn't be true. All that _pain_, those months and months of endless pain… And now Edward was going to kill himself over _me_?

"I don't think he ever planned to outlive you by long," Alice said quietly.

And then the truth hit me. Like a bullet. _Edward still loved me._ He had never _stopped_ loving me. I was choking, sobbing. It meant too many things, this revelation. The happiness and despair and anger that flooded me simultaneously were unfathomable. This was so… so _Edward_. He'd left to protect me. He'd left because he didn't believe we could ever really be together. He had _lied_ to me, because he knew I would never let go on my own. He had left me to suffer, because he didn't trust me to make the right choice on my own.

I was both outraged and grateful, livid and ecstatic. But I didn't have time to sort out all those feelings. Because now, because of the unreal Shakespearean hell that had become my life, Edward was going to die.

Everything happened in a blur that I was barely able to process. I pushed Jacob off me, ignoring the sting of rejection on his face. I frantically begged Alice for guidance. At lightning, vampiric speed, she began to weave a plan to get to Edward before it was too late. Jacob's desperate murmurs for me to stay went utterly ignored. I could only think of Edward, the fear for his life welling up in my throat like vomit. In took mere minutes for Alice and I to be on our way out the door, headed for the airport.

Jacob caught my arm with a shivering hand. "Please, Bella. I'm begging."

His dark eyes were glistening with tears. A lump filled my throat. There were so many racing thoughts crammed inside my head, I was surprised that yet another revelation was able to make its presence known.

Jacob. I had hurt him again. I had given him the glimmer of hope that this could be, that I could finally be his, and now, I was leaving him behind at the mere mention of Edward's name.

"Jake, I _have_ to—"

"He left you, Bella!" I saw the rage and hurt glowing in his eyes. I knew exactly what that felt like. I had lived it for months. "After what he did to you, you're going to get yourself _killed_ to save _his_ life?"

My lip trembled as the tears kept falling. "He still loves me, Jake. He only left to protect me… He lied to me to keep me from following him…"

A harsh, isolated laugh escaped Jacob's lips. I had never seen his eyes look so dark. He tightened his grip on my arm. I could feel his desperation, an echo of my own tragic feelings, and it stung me. "What the _hell_ is the point of that kind of love, Bella? I've seen what he did to you… how can you forgive him? How can it be worth it?"

My voice got smaller, more fragile. I stared at the floor. "It never made sense for him to love me in the first place… I never deserved something so amazing… I'm just grateful for the little time we had together. I _love_ him."

"Bella, _of course_ you deserve something amazing." His grip eased and became feather-gentle. He pulled me to him and our lips crashed together again. For a moment I forgot everything, forgot the tedious urgency all around me. I was enraptured in the brilliant, blinding light of his love.

But only for a moment. Outside, Alice honked the car horn in impatience. I tore myself away from Jacob, blinking away tears. "Sometimes you can't help but love someone, no matter how bad they hurt you, right?" I knew he couldn't argue with that. I tried to smile through my tears, but I couldn't make it happen. My voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm sorry, Jake."

I ran out the door to meet Alice, to save Edward.

* * *

It's not _too_ strange a sight, I suppose, for two people to be caught in an emotional embrace in the middle of JFK. Airports are notorious settings for hellos and goodbyes, after all. You might think we would have been able to blend in, to look like any ordinary pair of reunited lovers at the airport.

But Edward and I weren't ordinary lovers. And when we caught up to him in New York, before he could make his connecting flight to Florence, and saw each other for the first time in so, _so _long, quite a few people couldn't help but stare at us.

I cried a lot, and he would have, too, if he could. I don't know how long we stood together, just watching each other in disbelief, afraid to breathe or blink to find that the moment was just an illusion. He held me in his stony embrace, whispering into my hair.

"You're alive," he breathed into my ear, his voice laced with emotion.

I nodded, holding my face to his cold chest, wishing I never had to let go. "_You're_ alive," I responded. "I can't believe you would do that… I can't believe you would ever leave me."

I pulled my face away from him, looking up into his eyes, searching desperately. His face was pained as he watched me. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought it was for the best…"

I shut my eyes tight. I couldn't even begin to think. Those horrible memories, my prison of depression, the agony of losing Edward ringing in my head over and over again. I squeezed him as tightly as I could, not wanting to think about it. We were together now. I only wanted to focus on that. I pretended that Edward was mine, and I was his, and it was no more complicated than that. At least for now.

We caught a plane back to Seattle, and drove from there back to Forks. I never strayed from Edward's arms. We had the entire flight and drive for me to live in pretend, a happy bubble where there was nothing in the world but Edward and I and our unshakable love.

But later, when I was back in my home, talking with Edward in my room, reality returned. It was time to face a mountain of difficult feelings. Difficult questions. Even more difficult answers.

"I wish you'd never left me," I whispered. You'd think I could talk about it by now without crying, but quiet tears found their way easily down my face.

My back was to Edward as we laid together on my bed. His voice was grave. "I wish the same thing, Bella, with all my heart," he answered. He gently stroked my arm with his icy fingers. "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a change at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you."

I choked on my next words. Despite all my resolve to be strong, I couldn't stop tiny sobs from squeezing their way into my speech. "How could you _stand_ it? You must have known how it would hurt us both… How could it be worth it?" I found myself echoing Jacob.

"I thought you would be better off."

Fury colored my face as I flipped onto my other side, staring right into Edward's face. "_Better off_? Do you have any idea what it felt like to lose you?"

Heartbreak crippled Edward's normally-serene face. "I think I do. When I thought you'd died… there aren't words for it…"

I shook my head, resisting the ache in my heart that told me to shut up. I had Edward back, why should I press the matter? Why should it matter what agony I'd had to endure in his absence? But for some reason, I couldn't let go. I had to understand.

"That's not the same thing," I said, slowly. "You thought I'd been taken from you… that I'd killed myself because I couldn't live without you. At least you knew that I loved you. But when you left me in the woods… It was worse than death. Worse than _you_ dying. Because… because I really believed that you didn't want me. I loved you so much, and you just… walked away so easily… you _hurt_ me…"

I sobbed. My chest ached with the searing memories of all those months I'd spent in darkness. I was fascinated, however, even through the pain, at how easily I'd used the word _loved._ Loved. Past tense.

Edward reached out to touch my face, to dry my tears in apology. He was just as surprised as I was when I put my hand in front of his to stop him. Normally, Edward's touch was something that sent my mind into the hysterics of ecstasy. I longed for it like a drug, couldn't resist it for anything in the world.

But Edward's touch would never feel the same again, no matter how badly I wanted it to. I wanted to turn back time, to undo all the hurt, to erase Edward's lie, to go back to the beautiful place I'd once shared with him. I wished so much that it were possible. I wanted to let him touch me, but something stronger inside of me resisted. Something that felt like… pride.

In one shattering moment, I felt everything change. I tried not to look at his eyes, because I knew it would only make things harder. "What good is it to have you love me, if you can't even trust me to make my own choices?" I asked, swallowing hard. Edward didn't answer. "I wanted to be with you, no matter what it cost me. You knew from the very beginning that being with you was more important than my own life. You can't just… you can't just _choose_ for me. You can't decide that you know what's best for me, even if you're doing it because you love me. You can't decide what I life I should live. That's not…" I struggled to say it aloud. "That's not the kind of love I want."

"I wish I'd never left you," Edward whispered.

I nodded, shutting my eyes, letting more and more tears roll down my cheeks. "I wish it, too. But you did. And… I just don't think it's ever going to be the same. I'm sorry."

Edward nodded emotionlessly. Hesitantly, he leaned toward me and placed a tender kiss on my forehead. I opened my eyes, but he was already gone. Out the window, out of my life once again.

It hurt only slightly less than the first time.

* * *

Through the looming pale gray sky overhead, I could see just the slightest beams of sunshine breaking as I drove. The tired engine of my truck rumbled as it rolled over the familiar road to La Push.

When I got out of my truck, Jacob was already waiting for me. His eyes alight, he scooped me up effortlessly in his giant arms and lifted me completely off the ground. He spun me around a full three times before finally placing my feet back on the ground.

"Jeez, Jake," I said, laughing softly. "Break all the bones in my body, why don't you?"

Jacob shrugged apologetically. He was grinning from ear to ear. "Sorry," he said. "Got a little excited. What took you so long to come see me, anyway?"

I rolled my eyes. "I only just got un-grounded an hour ago, Jake."

Charlie hadn't been too thrilled by my disappearing act. My punishment probably would have lasted until graduation if he hadn't been secretly thrilled to hear that I'd decided not to get back with Edward, after all. I think he could see the difference in me, something he hadn't seen for months. I think he could see that I was… stronger, this time.

In a way, I needed those three weeks of house arrest. I needed the time to be by myself. I wasn't strong enough to see Jacob, not right away. I had to grieve. I had to understand. I had to accept. I wasn't ready to face Jacob until I was really, truly free from the darkness. All on my own.

Jacob reached out and took my hand. My heart sped up just a little at the feel of his hot touch. "I'm so glad you're safe, Bells," he said seriously. He looked at my face. "When you took off, I was worried I'd never see you again."

I smiled, staring at our hands, weaving my fingers into his. "I was worried about the same thing. But it was the right thing to do. And I'm glad I got to see him one more time. It was really important for me, you know… I needed closure, I guess."

Jacob nodded. "And where is… where is he now?"

I sighed. Jacob didn't know all the details, but I figured he didn't really need to. If he knew that _I'd _been the one to walk away this time, it would only make him smug. And there was nothing more annoying than Jacob being smug.

"He's with his family," I answered neutrally. I squeezed Jake's hand. "And I'm with mine."

Jacob smiled. He was obviously a little frustrated that I wouldn't tell him more, and I knew he'd bug me endlessly for details later on, but for the moment, I think he was happy enough to just have me with him again.

We went for a walk, leaving our shoes behind at the tree line and dragging our bare feet along the cold, damp beach. Inevitably, we found our way to the bleach-white log that held so many memories for us. Our spot. We sat together, pressed close, my head snuggled into his shoulder. Our hands never pulled apart. The warmth of his breath cascaded over my entire face as he rested his lips against my forehead. I knew that he wanted to kiss me, but I was glad that he didn't. Jake was always good at reading my feelings like that. He knew. Not now. Not yet. Instead, he was content to sit beside me and watch the sun creep steadily out from the clouds. A sunny day, after months of darkness.

He stroked my hair gently. I exhaled.

Not now, not yet. But someday. Someday I would be ready for love again. I squeezed Jake's hand, drowning in his warmth, and smiled.


End file.
